Motherhood can do funny things...

The feelings I am experiencing right now, are no doubt ones that I will experience often on this journey of motherhood. Today my little 4 year old boy took another step towards independence, today B started kindergarten. B’s first full day isn’t until Friday. In fact, he’s only at school for an hour today and half a day on Thursday. Even still I can help but feel that this hour is going to be a long one.

While waiting for school to start, B saw a friend from his Montessori school. I encouraged B to say hi and that this little boy was probably feeling a bit nervous about starting Kindergarten, “just like you” I said. B quickly corrected me by saying “I’m not worried about starting school Mommy, I’m excited”.

I distinctly remember my first day of JK, in which I cried and cried as my Mom insisted everything would be fine and I’d be home again before I knew it. I wish my Mom were here right now, telling me those same words. “Everything will be fine and B will be home again before you know it”.

The truth is that everything will be fine from today on, just different, life has changed. Change for the better as my little boy grows up; but a change that came too soon for a mother who too easily remembers holding a brand new baby boy not that long ago. Change is funny in that I often feel the emotions from the current change and the anticipated changes of the future. I can’t help but think forward to B’s first day of high school, university, B’s wedding day and many more milestones he is sure to reach during his life time; each milestone bringing a change that will slowly turn my little boy into a man.

Amongst my feelings of loss and sadness as my B is no longer a baby, I feel extreme pride and joy. B is so smart and ready for the challenges that face him as he begins his career as a student – one that he will have the rest of his life. E and I are ready as parents to embrace and encourage B’s enthusiasm of learning and are ready to help him along the way, knowing full well that we will be learning just as much, if not more.

I know that I am not alone today. Along with B, there were at least a dozen more Kindergarteners starting school today, with their parents waving goodbye. I couldn’t help but smile when B turned toward me, just before heading into his class, to wave one last time.

My Amazing Husband

For my praise post this week I want to thank God for my amazing husband!

E has been so wonderful during my return to work. Working hard all day only to pick up the boys on his way home, to make them dinner, get them ready for bed and read stories. E doesn't stop there as he has made sure to stay on top of the never ending pile of laundry to ensure we all have clean clothes to wear. After putting on laundry, E makes sure the kitchen is clean and makes my lunch for the next day! E has often stayed up until past midnight in order to get everything done.
How blessed am I to have such an awesome husband?

This morning E woke up with me at 5:30 (actually he got up before me) to put my lunch together because he was too tired the night before.

E has also been so understanding. Coming off my set of 4 night shifts, I was so tired. E didn't care that I didn't have dinner ready when he came, nor that I left the house a mess with puzzle pieces everywhere, toy trains, books and blankies (okay, maybe that wasn't me, but I didn't get B to pick them up until after Daddy got home). When I went to bed at 8pm the other night, E selflessly let me sleep while he folded laundry and cleaned up after dinner.

So praise be to God for giving me such a great man. And praise be to E for all his hard work, perserverance and love. Thank you E!

Over due blog entry

Needless to say, now that I'm back to work, I have less time to myself. Consiquently, my blog has suffered.

My first few 'real' days back at work went well. I have to admit, I actually enjoyed being back at work. Other than thinking about my boys every now and then, my day was filled with adult interaction. I didn't sing ABCDs or Twinkle Twinkle once. I didn't play with play doh and the only thing I had to worry about come lunch time, was that I actually got a lunch break. I enjoyed being an adult again.
Now I'm enjoying my week off and we are heading home from a few relaxing days at the cottage with my boys and parents. My job has it's perks!

This weekend I start my first night shifts since my return to work. I am not really looking forward to working nights again. The transition I dread is the part where I attempt to sleep during the day. My body resists by waking me up every hour, and even after 8 hours of being in bed, I get up feeling unrested.

Once again I have to praise God for giving me a job I love, even with the night shifts. So many people work at jobs that they hate, and others don't have jobs at all. I'm so greatful for the blessings in my life and for my bed the morning after a night shift.

5 years of marriage

My husband and I are celebrating 5 years of marriage today. In some ways five years seems like such a short period of time, yet in others, an eternity. Like any marriage we have had our ups and downs, but through it all, E has been an amazing husband who has loved me and supported me. E is caring, and selfless, always putting his own needs last. E is a great father to our two boys, very involved and spends as much time with them as he can. E has stood by me and allowed me to chase my dreams, even working two jobs for the first year of our marriage. Also, E willingly drove an hour and a half to and from work every day, for three years, so we could live with my parents while I finished school.
I could not ask for a better husband and friend.
I am also looking forward to the rest of our marriage, as 'they' say the first 5 years are the hardest. So here's to marriage getting easier!! ;)

Happy Anniversary Sweet Heart!

Happy Canada Day

(Photo: June 3, 2009 - Canada Flag, not so windy day)

To all Canadians out there - home or abroad - Happy Canada Day!! This post is meant to wish you a happy Canada day and is doubling as my praise post.
So I had my first real shift back at work yesterday. It didn't take me long to remember that I LOVE my job. It was tough to be away from my boys, wondering what they were both up to and how well they were coping without me, but I knew they were in good hands. I felt at home at work and even a bit glad to be back. Given the choice, I think I would still choose to be a full-time Mom and only work part-time, but I don't think I could ever give up my job completly.

God is good, and I am reminded that He has put me EXACTLY where He wants me to be. On that note, I'm glad that place is Canada! What an amazing country we live in. And this amazing country wouldn't be anywhere as great if it weren't for those who bought our freedom. Those who fought and those who fought and gave their lives. I am thankful for the men and woman who continue to defend our country. I am thankful to my Grandfather who fought in WWII and to those who fought along with him. To those who lost their sons, daughters, husbands, wives, sibling - thank you - your loved one paid for my freedom, and the freedom my children enjoy.

Happy Canada Day.

Praise Post

I'm doing my praise post a day early this week, mostly because I have five minutes to myself right now. I've been back to work for two days now. In some ways is nice to be back, talking with adults, getting back into the job I love. In other ways, if I think about it too much, I'm brought to tears. I wonder what is my little man doing right now? Oh how I miss his laugh, smile, hugs, smell, and well just about everything, when I'm at work. I also miss my bigger little man, the cleaver things he says the ideas he comes up with, the hugs and games.

"Isn't this a praise post?" you are asking? You're right, so let's get to it! I am praising God today that he has put people in my life, whom I can trust to watch my boys. My parents are with us this week and doing an amazing job making sure the boys' needs are met. I'm sure the boys are being kept so busy that they barely notice my absence. I praise God that although my life is changing right now, He isn't changing and He is with me every step of the way (and looking after my boys at the same time). I praise God that I only have two days left of work this week and then I can have a day with my family. I praise God that in this I'm tired, because I am tired, I know what it is to find rest in Him.

His purpose

This week's praise post will be a bit different. As I head back to work in a few days, I have to admit that I'm finding it hard to focus on the goodness of our Father. So I'm going to remind myself of the purpose God has placed on my life.

As a friend of mine pointed out - in reading my last post, some who don't know me may be questioning WHY I am returning to work anyway? Sure there's the financial aspect, that in order to stay living in our home, I NEED to make money. But of course there are always other options. I could increase my home business, I could quit my job, we could move to a smaller home and decrease our mortgage, God would provide and we'd be okay.

There's more to it than that, the other side of the story. God CALLED me to my job. The main reason I am on this earth is to worship my creator. The next reasons are to be a mother to my children, and a wife to my husband. But God has another purpose for me, and got me to where I need to be to fulfill that purpose. My job is a gift from God, the exact place He wants me to be right now. Because I have left my blog as public, I am purposefully not disclosing my profession (nor do I disclose my husband's name or my kids' names). I will say though that my job is to help people and it's a job that not everyone can do.

God opened so many doors for me, door which He could have closed easily, in my life to get me where I am now. And for that, through the tears and the emotions that come with my return to work, I praise Jesus that I have a job. Not just any job, THE JOB that He has called me to do. A job I LOVE and would probably keep even if a large sum of money came my way (although reducing my hours could be an option). It's the kind of job that I would do even if I wasn't getting paid. I thank God for the many opportunities He gives me to touch people's lives and to make a difference in this world. And if I even touch one life, if I am used by God to reach just one person, than my purpose in life is fulfilled. And it's all worth it. Worth the time away from my husband and kids, worth the risk that comes with my job, worth the long hours, the sleep loss.

And on my days off, I STILL get to be a Mom! How perfect is that?

So praise God that I'm going back to work on Tuesday!

Dreams of work

Well I'm heading back to work in 6 days and the dreams are coming more frequently now. I sure get weird calls in my dreams. I would appreciate prayer for my and my co-worker's saftey while I return to work. The area where I work has been experiencing extra violence lately (or it's being put on the news more often anyway).

Mr. C had a trial day with the babysitter today. He cried when Daddy handed him over to the sitter. The babysitter (K) said C cried until he saw the ceiling fan, which ended up providing entertainment throughout the rest of the day. At home B and I kept busy making meals for days when I'm at work and E doesn't have time to get dinner on the table by 6. I want things to be as consistant as possible for the boys, so keeping dinner at 6 is important. It's also nice to have varitey available, as I know E would resort to hambergers every night if possible!! ;)

B and I also made rice crispie squares for a special treat. After that I made Slovainian potato salad and cookies for our church BBQ tonight.

Tomorrow is my last day with just C (B will be at school) before I go back to work.
I wish I could explain to him how life is going to change drastically - like I can explain to B. Somehow it just doesn't seem fair. My little baby has had me with him every day, all day for his whole life. Then all of a sudden for four days next week, I'll be gone!! I'm so thankful my parents will be the ones watching him next week. Another prayer request, that C would adjust well to these life changes. Pray for B too, as it's a big change for him. I just feel B is better prepaired as we have been talking about my return to work since I've been off.

Canon 85mm f1.2

f4, ISO 1600, 1/60 f5, ISO1600, 1/250

f5, ISO1600, 1/4000

I rented Canon's 85mm, f1.2 lens for an engagement shoot I was doing. Various reviews I read stated this lens is great for portraits and weddings - they were right! This lens is increadably fast - once you have it set up. It's the set up that takes a bit of getting used to. Also the fact that it has one focal length takes getting used to if you are used to using a lens with a range. For the most part this lens does really well with the apature fully opened to 1.2 f-stop and I set my ISO at 400. If it was really bright I either changed my f stop so it was a smaller opening (usually around 5.6) or changed my ISO to 200 or even 100.

This lens is weird to focus and I found I had to back up at times to get my objects in focus before moving back in for a closer shot.

When I first rented this lens my only subjects available were my two cats. I was actually able to get shots of them play fighting and the lens kept up with them. I found when focusing on a person's face, it was important to increase the f-stop to 1.8 or slightly higher, or I ended up with an eye in focus and the rest of the face blurry.

This lens takes REALLY sharp photos! I was deeply saddened when I had to return this lens after four short days! This lens retails for $2600. I will be renting it again - that's for sure!

Here are some photos I took while playing around with the lens.

Paper clips - f1.2, ISO 400, 1/50

Harley Davidson - f3.5, ISO 400, 1/4000

Harley taken with 17 - 85mm- f16, ISO 400, 1/125

85mm f1.2 - Harley - f1.2, ISO 800, 1/8000

Soccer Ball - f3.2, ISO 1600, 1/4000

Praise Post

Well it just so happens it's a Thursday again as I am doing my praise post - but chances are this won't be a regular "Thursday blog" and may show up on different days of the week.

It always amazes me how God is so unchanging in our ever changing world. Even from day to day, I can experience a hundred different emotions - yet God stays the same and He is always here. God is so faithful and always meets my needs; even if there's a waiting period where I must seek God first.
I praise God that in an uncertain world, God is so certain and I can trust in Him.

Praise Post Thursday!

So I'm doing a weekly Bible study with my friend Mary. Since this week we were talking about the two weapon we have against the enemy - the Word of God and Praise, we decided to start a Praise Post Thursday! So here's my first one. Of course I may throw in a few quotes from the Bible from time to time since that's another weapon, but for today, let's stick with Praise.

First of all in staying with the teachings of my grandfather - it is important that we define the word praise. thefreedictionary.com defines praise as:

1. Expression of approval, commendation, or admiration.

2. The extolling or exaltation of a deity, ruler, or hero.

3. Archaic A reason for praise; merit.

praised, prais·ing, prais·es

1. To express warm approbation of, commendation for, or admiration for.

2. To extol or exalt; worship.

I can see that by praising God, admiring Him, approving of His work, admiring Him, especially during our trials, that we do in fact fight against the enemy (by enemy I mean "the dark side, or Satan, or the devil - the one who has come to kill and destroy). How would the enemy gain a foothold in my life if I'm too busy focusing on the good things God has done and is doing? Have you ever noticed how easy it is to focus on the negative once you start? I sure have. First I notice one thing that has gone wrong and before I know it, I have a whole list. Well the opposite is true as well. So, I'm starting to focus on God and praising Him for what is good in my life! I encourage you, reader, to try it too! In fact, feel free to post your praises as a comment on my post for others to read. Let's encourage one another!

I am in awe of God's creation. How perfect is it that the very thing we need to breath (oxygen) is made by trees and plants? And how perfect that they need our CO2 to make oxygen? A coincidence, unlikely! Spring is such a great time of the year when everything becomes new again and I am really enjoying seeing God's creation through new eyes. I exult God for all He has done and is doing in my life - without Him, I am no more than a sinner, lost, and focusing on myself. What an unhappy way to live, to only focus on me. What joy I have found each and every time when I give up a little bit of myself to help someone else. Praise God!

Praise God that I have trouble spelling (I'm sure you've already noticed). Through my bad spelling readers are forced to read for meaning and try to understand what I am talking about rather than just reading the words on a page. I praise God that He has put me in a place where I am seeing my dreams fulfilled, and a place where I know God has so much more planned for me! I am overjoyed that I am healthy and young and am able to spend a lot of time with my boys. God is good and so faithful.

Three weeks

Tuesday marked the last three weeks of my maternity leave. Fear, anexity, sadness, joy, and anticipation are all flooding my thoughts in a parade like fashion, one right after the other. Each one as strong as the last, reminding me of the enevitable change that is to come.

I feel as though my world is spining uncontrolably and I have no way of making it stop. Sadness makes it's way in as I think about everything I will miss in my boys' lives while I'm at work. My heart is torn between a job I love and being home for every little moment. I spend my days trying to remember every detail, every thing B says, every face C makes. I need to hold onto these memories so I have them with me at all times. I hug each boy a little longer, somehow hoping that it will make up for my future absence. I worry about my marriage and what my long hours will mean to it. I know there are days when E and I will be reduced to one or two word conversations as I crawl into bed, exhusted longing to put my head on my pillow. How will E manage the boys without me? How will the BOYS manange without me?

And then comes peace. A peace that I know only comes from God. A calming in the middle of the storm of my emotions, telling me that everything is going to work out and that all I have to do is trust. It's so easy to get caught up in my emotions, so easy to dwell on what could go wrong and trust is hard. Trust in a way can feel like you're giving up all control over the situation. I am desperatly trying to maintain that control. I have this idea that if I plan every last detail surounding my return to work, that some how trust will come easier. Of course we all know plans can go wrong, and there really is only one plan that is perfect - which is God's. I am reminded of God's plan and all the doors he opened to get me to where I am now.

So for the next three weeks, I'm stepping back, giving everything to God and letting Him handle it. I'm trusting God, and I'm going to make the best of every moment. After all whether I'm at home or at work, kids do grow quickly and I'm enjoying the journey as they grow into adults.

Bird Family

Just wanted to give a little update on our bird Family. I did a little research on Wikipedia and found out that our birds are Morning Doves. Apparently they are the most abundant of all North American birds. These birds are monogomous and share parenting responsibilities equally. In fact, they take turns sitting on the eggs. On average, the female bird lays 2 eggs at a time, up to 6 times/year. The father sits on the eggs from morning until afternoon and the mother takes the afternoon until the next morning shift.
I actually saw our birds switch yesterday at 4:09pm.
So it will be two weeks in total that the parents keep their eggs warm before we hear the chipping of the little ones. It's been 5 days so far.

On a different note, but still about birds. We put up a bird feeder about two days before our Morning doves choose our tree to build their nest in. B and I filled the feeder yesterday and within four hours, it was completely empty! A lot of the seed has ended up on the ground and I saw a baby bunny eating some seed tonight after a rain shower.

I'm really enjoying the wildlife in our backyard along with all the greenery from the spring rains!

Welcome home

We have been working hard to make the front of our house welcoming. This started last summer (a few days after C was born) with me painting the garage door (goodbye ugly chocolate brown colour!). E put up new numbers as well. Last weekend we took out the two Alberta Spruce tress that were blocking our view and shading our front. They were beautiful trees, I wish we could have transplanted them, but there was no way. I got some plants at our church plant exchange which has at least started our front garden until we decide what we are going to do with it. Then this weekend's project was to paint the front door and remove the screen door (nothing against screen doors except when I'm trying to get in the house holding C in one arm a bag of groceries in the other and trying to get B in the door. Inevitably I get hit with the screen door, or am stuck holding it open with my foot as I attempt to put the groceries down while balancing C). Anyway, here are the after photos. (Before to be posted at a later date).

Seasons of life

Time is such a funny thing, it goes by so quickly, yet each moment has to potential to shape us and mould us, to change us. I look back on my life, and my childhood seems like it was just yesterday. I remember hugs with my Mom, rides to the cottage with my Dad, laughing with my Grampa in his kitchen, playing yatzee with my Gramma. I think back to spending time with my Grandma at the cottage, and learning with my Grandpa (every moment is a lesson with him).

I find my self in moments now, telling my self "remember this, remember every detail because soon it will be just a memory". Just last night I was telling myself to remember, as B and I sat out on our back deck and watched the planes fly by. "Mommy, maybe when we were coming home from the Dominican, a kid was watching our plan and said to his Mommy, I wonder where they are coming home from?" My little thinker, always curious, always seeking knowledge. Sometimes I wish time would just stop and moments like these could last just a little longer, so I could remember them more clearly. I think it's this wish that drives my passion for photography - a picture freezes a moment in time, so you can look back on that moment with clarity.

I think often of the future. Why even in three short weeks, life is going to change completely as I head back to work, maternity leave coming to an end. I wonder what I will miss the most about life and the way it is now. I wonder what will change for the better. I even look to an unknown future years down the road. How many kids will we have, where will we be living, when will our mortgage be paid off?

This weekend, we were lucky enough to witness a chapter of life of two birds, as they worked diligently to build their nest in one of our trees. One bird (I assume the male) collected twigs and grass and brought them to the tree where the other bird (female?) placed the twigs underneath her and formed a nest. This ritual took three days to complete. The male bird pausing often to make sure he was safe to proceed and even to chase off other birds that got too close to the nest. The female bird has been sitting on the next non stop all day now, and we are guessing her eggs have now been laid. Soon we will witness the next chapter in her life as her eggs hatch and new life begins.

The boys and I visited my grandparents today. As I watched them in the final chapters of their lives, I could appreciate their season and where they are at. They reminisce about old days and their favourite times, as they watch the next generation with pure joy and pride in their eyes. My grandparents are just happy for each day despite the aches and pains they must endure. I see their season of love as they continue to be each other's company and best friend. My grandfather buys my grandmother a dozen roses every week. They still have their moments of bickering and they are still in love. I don't know how many moments I have left to share with my grandparents (here on earth anyway), but I still learn something new from them each time I see them. Speaking of learning something new - learning is what keeps my grandpa going, proven again to me as he told me about the philosophy book he is reading and about everything he is learning. In his 85 years, he has yet to learn everything, and maintains his passion for knowledge (I wonder where B gets it from?).

Life seems to be in fast forward these days. I don't know if it's because of the season of change I am about to experience, or if it's from watching my kids as they grow. I do know that if I want a moment to last forever, I need to savour every detail and do my best to remember it. Oh and don't blink for too long, or I'll miss something all together!

Yet will all this reflection and though about life, about time, one thought keeps coming back. All of this, is in fact just a season, a short season before eternity starts and I get to spend forever in Heaven. I can’t even begin to imagine what life will be like, with knowing I have forever to live. Time will no longer be a factor.

Why Blog?

So I have decided to start my own blog. Well this is technically my second blog as I have one for my kids (private, sorry), but this blog is just for me. Occasionally I have ideas I'd like to share or thoughts I'd like to reflect on, photos to post or stories to tell and this is the perfect forum for all those things.
So here you have it, my blog. Please feel free to comment on any of my postings.