Tuesday marked the last three weeks of my maternity leave. Fear, anexity, sadness, joy, and anticipation are all flooding my thoughts in a parade like fashion, one right after the other. Each one as strong as the last, reminding me of the enevitable change that is to come.
I feel as though my world is spining uncontrolably and I have no way of making it stop. Sadness makes it's way in as I think about everything I will miss in my boys' lives while I'm at work. My heart is torn between a job I love and being home for every little moment. I spend my days trying to remember every detail, every thing B says, every face C makes. I need to hold onto these memories so I have them with me at all times. I hug each boy a little longer, somehow hoping that it will make up for my future absence. I worry about my marriage and what my long hours will mean to it. I know there are days when E and I will be reduced to one or two word conversations as I crawl into bed, exhusted longing to put my head on my pillow. How will E manage the boys without me? How will the BOYS manange without me?
And then comes peace. A peace that I know only comes from God. A calming in the middle of the storm of my emotions, telling me that everything is going to work out and that all I have to do is trust. It's so easy to get caught up in my emotions, so easy to dwell on what could go wrong and trust is hard. Trust in a way can feel like you're giving up all control over the situation. I am desperatly trying to maintain that control. I have this idea that if I plan every last detail surounding my return to work, that some how trust will come easier. Of course we all know plans can go wrong, and there really is only one plan that is perfect - which is God's. I am reminded of God's plan and all the doors he opened to get me to where I am now.
So for the next three weeks, I'm stepping back, giving everything to God and letting Him handle it. I'm trusting God, and I'm going to make the best of every moment. After all whether I'm at home or at work, kids do grow quickly and I'm enjoying the journey as they grow into adults.
I feel as though my world is spining uncontrolably and I have no way of making it stop. Sadness makes it's way in as I think about everything I will miss in my boys' lives while I'm at work. My heart is torn between a job I love and being home for every little moment. I spend my days trying to remember every detail, every thing B says, every face C makes. I need to hold onto these memories so I have them with me at all times. I hug each boy a little longer, somehow hoping that it will make up for my future absence. I worry about my marriage and what my long hours will mean to it. I know there are days when E and I will be reduced to one or two word conversations as I crawl into bed, exhusted longing to put my head on my pillow. How will E manage the boys without me? How will the BOYS manange without me?
And then comes peace. A peace that I know only comes from God. A calming in the middle of the storm of my emotions, telling me that everything is going to work out and that all I have to do is trust. It's so easy to get caught up in my emotions, so easy to dwell on what could go wrong and trust is hard. Trust in a way can feel like you're giving up all control over the situation. I am desperatly trying to maintain that control. I have this idea that if I plan every last detail surounding my return to work, that some how trust will come easier. Of course we all know plans can go wrong, and there really is only one plan that is perfect - which is God's. I am reminded of God's plan and all the doors he opened to get me to where I am now.
So for the next three weeks, I'm stepping back, giving everything to God and letting Him handle it. I'm trusting God, and I'm going to make the best of every moment. After all whether I'm at home or at work, kids do grow quickly and I'm enjoying the journey as they grow into adults.
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