Tough choices

There are times in our lives when we will all reach crossroads where we can choose to continue on the same path or charter a new course. Sometime the decision is easy and requires little thought. Other times it takes much deliberating, reasoning and discussion and in the end we are left wondering if we did in fact make the right choice.

13 hours ago I was facing one of life's crossroads. I was offered a position at work that meant no more night shifts and a better schedule that would make family life easier to balance. This position is with a partner who is phenomenal to work with, is an amazing medic and happens to be my friend. The ambulance is out of my current station which is a short commute from home and my locker would remain the same. It sounds perfect doesn't it?

As perfect as this spot is, it would mean leaving my current partner behind. My current partner who I adore working with, and who has become a very close friend. My partner who has been a rock during some of the toughest times of my life. My partner whom I work well with, with whom I can anticipate his next step and he mine, which is key in any good EMS team. In a job where you are faced with the unknown, in some of the worst environments, seeing people in horrific states, having the right partner can be what gets you through to the next call. Once you find this partner there has to be a darn good reason to leave them. After being partners for 4 years I am not ready to let him go.

Yet 13 hours ago, that's exactly what I did, I changed spots. I choose the unknown road in hopes to make my home life more structured for my kids.
As I stand at this crossroad, facing the choice that I made, I can't help but wonder if there actually are 'right' paths to choose or if there are only different paths.

Productivity

Here's a couple of photos of the painted room from my sister and brother in law's.

This is what productivity looked like today.

On May 31st my sister in law and brother in law took position of their first home. On June first E and I went over to help with the move. E and his Dad put together some furniture. E's Mom and I started to organize the kitchen (I left early on to work on the guest room). And I painted the guest room.

This is what productivity looks like...

I have decided to start a photo journal of sorts, posting my 'projects'. I am titling my journal 'this is what productivity looked like today'. Productivity will take shape in many different forms I am certain. I will be posting my photos on my Ceilidh blog. Please feel free to comment and leave feedback!

Note: since I started this idea about a week ago I will post a few journals over the next little while in no particular order to catch up.

365 days

I cannot believe it's been a year since I last blogged. I suppose it's fair to say life is busy! I'd like to share a link with you to my other blog: Paws for Cayleb. Cayleb, my second born, has been approved to receive a National Service Dog. I won't go into great detail here, as everything is on his blog, but I will say that this dog, once we get it will dramatically change our lives! We have been asked to raise the $30K that is required to train Cayleb's future dog and would greatly appreciate any support. Hopefully my next entry will be sooner than a year away.

Feelings of pride and gulit.

Today was a big day for my baby girl. She learned to pull herself to a stand and how to applaud her efforts! Watching a baby clap for the first time always brings a smile to my face. I don’t know if it’s because I automatically start singing “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” or if it’s just that babies are so darn cute, especially when they learn something new.

As I watched the giant grin on my baby girl’s face, encouraging her to clap, I got this sudden feeling that I have yet another thing to work on as a mother. You see, my second born, who was diagnosed with autism last June, didn’t start to clap until he was 19 months. Our daughter is 10 months. At the time that my second born learned to clap, I knew it was later than typical – one of the many red flags that led to an early diagnosis. Today, as I watched my baby girl do something so seemingly easy for her, I couldn’t help but compare her to C. Immediate I was flooded with feelings of guilt. I know how important it is to treat our children as individuals, to help them develop their God given personalities and abilities. I know how dangerous it can be to compare our children and how it leads to the slippery slop of favoritism. I don’t want to be THAT parent, who values one child over another.

It was then that I began to realize that my comparison was causing a battle in my heart. On one side my heart was breaking for Mr. C and his daily challenges – even clapping was a struggle he once faced. I want so desperately to hold my baby boy and make life easier for him. I think back to all the times over the period of several months that I would take his two hands and clap them together, hoping and praying he would do it on his own – until he finally did.

On the other side I look at my baby girl who learned to clap on her own, with little instruction or manipulation from me. I’ve probably only clapped her hands together on a half a dozen occations. I see her effortlessly become confident in something that was so difficult for C. I am happy for H and ever so proud, but I also feel relief. Relief that with every milestone she reaches I can say with certainty that at THIS point she is typically developing. My relief brings guilt as I wonder if it means I am bad mother. Am I a bad mother for being so happy and relieved that daughter can do things so easily that my youngest son cannot?

I cannot help but wonder if my fear of my daughter showing signs of autism somehow means that I don’t love C enough, that somehow I want to change him. I know this fear comes from a heart that breaks for my son. I want so desperately for life to be easy for him. And if C were different, maybe he could tell me what he needs and I wouldn’t feel as helpless and useless as a mother.

A dear friend of mine, while trying to teach her little ones an important lesson, in turn actually taught ME the lesson. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset”. At this point in his life, Cayleb doesn’t seem to be upset in the least by his autism. He just goes through life working really hard to face and overcome his challenges; allowing his challenges to build character.

I am learning that a big challenge set before me as a mother, is to love my kids during their difficult moments, love them as they struggle through their challenges – that’s when showing my kids unconditional love is most important – AND when they learn to clap at no matter what age that happens.

Tough Days

There are days when raising a special needs child is harder than others. The constant screaming and crying that come from the frustration of not being able to express the simplest of things can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Only a handful of people who meet my son can even begin to sense what life with a two year old who battling autism must be like. Most people see the sweet innocent side of C. He is so happy and just loves life. You can’t help but see the joy in his eyes as he discovers new things, or is reintroduced to old things. I took the kids to the park a couple of weeks ago, and we’ll probably go again today as the weather is lovely, and the way C’s whole face and body lit up as I put him into the swing melted my heart. As much joy as he experienced in that swing, and equally strong frustration was soon to follow as it was time to get out of the swing. I held my baby boy as he cried and kicked and screamed for “MORE”. I felt like the worst mother in the world for having to end this blissful moment in time. Two minutes later as I pushed the stroller, homeward bound, he was content again, singing the ants go marching ‘HORRAH, HORRAH’. One of the biggest challenges I have been facing lately is to not compare my little C to other kids around him. This gets increasingly harder as I see kids less than half his age speaking so clearly and acting so ‘typically’. My heart breaks for my baby boy as I want so much for him, I want him to be able to accomplish so much. I think back to B at this age and remember what he was doing and saying and want so badly for C to be able to do the same things. I look to the future and know that C won’t be able to play soccer on a team or take independent swimming lessons at the same age B did. Our walks to the park will surely always involve a stroller, wagon or harness because he’d run off at the first opportunity otherwise. It is so easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking and on focusing everything C cannot do! A type of thinking that I could justify and get away with forever and I don’t think anyone could blame me. When I’ve had my moment of self pity, my moment of having my heart break for C, I look up, and focus on the good parts of our day, our life. Even the worst of days have good parts; the parts where C says a new word or discovers something new. 6 days ago, C said “Mommy”. Not “Mam ma” like he’s said for the past 6 moths, on and off, he said “MOMMY”. Then yesterday, he screamed “Mommy” and I came running. He was upset and wanted a hug. But no matter how much he continued to scream and kick and cry, I couldn’t help but smile because he called me by name! The world is right again and I know that my baby boy is living life to the fullest. He is working so hard to get his words and his hard work is paying off. C has just over 50 words now (and I’ve probably missed a few in my counting) and that number will continue to grow, no doubt. He’ll play soccer one day, on a team and we’ll walk to the park hand in hand. Those days will come, eventually. For now, I’m going to celebrate the small steps, that are ironically, HUGE!